My Letter of Resignation as CEO of McDonald’s

To whom it may concern:

In light of our new policies regarding sexual harassment in the workplace, I am now resigning from my position as CEO of McDonald’s effective immediately, since I have not received official notice of termination as has been hinted at by our Human Resources Manager Cal Woodward. Before you cut my severance pay, please accept this list of my most ardent beliefs that may be of use to your business model. I am on my lunch break at the moment and will soon be taking one last car ride down to Big Sur where I intend to reside with my wife and children.

Some of these beliefs are radical. That’s true. But that’s because the truth is not concerned with your comfort. Over the past few years as CEO, I’ve carefully weighed the veracity of each statement below. It’s made me miserable at times, but that may be because a spiritual man often clashes with modernity. Tolstoy would agree.

1. I believe that some of the finest men in America own dirigibles. McDonald’s should not hesitate.
2. I believe the Golden Gate Bridge is the greatest cultural landmark of the 20th century. There should be a McDonald’s at each end.
3. I believe St. Louis is a fine city that holds lots of promise. There should be two arches there, not one.
4. I believe that beautiful, red-headed women can offer interesting perspectives in business. For that reason alone, please let Jolene remain employed as secretary.
5. I believe Richard Nixon was a real man who would have put Hemingway to shame in a fist fight. Please invite him to your restaurant during his next campaign.
6. I believe the Democratic party is full of lousy morons who don’t know how to put their own pants on. Do not waste your time with them.
7. I believe a good cream puff pie is all you need on a cool summer evening. This is just good advice to follow.
8. I believe that commie Helen Gahagan Douglas wears pink underwear. Do not allow her to come to any of your restaurants.
9. I believe the Chevy Bel Air is a perfectly respectable vehicle for any man to drive. Every employee you hire should be able to afford one.
10. I believe Malibu is a good vacation spot that any loving wife would appreciate. I still can’t get over that.
11. I believe our nation’s billionaires pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and by God made the most of their lives. I will join them in their ranks.
12. I believe your burgers always tasted a little fishy. Please check to see where you buy meat wholesale.
13. I believe White Christmas deserved to win best picture at the Oscars. I am not a sentimental man, but I can appreciate great cinema and so should every employee this Christmas. Please let those kids working for you leave work early one night to go see it.
14. I believe the United States stands at the summit of the world. Churchill was goddamn right.
15. I believe our military should bomb those Koreans, fly to Iwo Jima and bomb those Japs some more, and then come home for Christmas and stay. Any business partner should agree on that course of action.
16. I believe a woman has a duty to her society as man has his own duty to society. Please be more considerate on how you hire men and women.
17. I believe Ike was right about our highways and right about everything. Please build a McDonald’s at every off ramp in America.
18. I believe the suburbs can be as equally formative to a young man as the city can as long as there is a McDonald’s nearby.
19. I believe The Negro Problem raises some valid points. You should let blacks work in the kitchen.
20. I believe a good organist can make a woman cry at her wedding. You get one opportunity to see her vulnerable.
21. I believe Howard at the office is a real bird dog who spends too much time around Jolene. He should be fired.
22. I believe Glen at the office is a wet rag. He shouldn’t be fired though.
23. Lastly, I believe our nation with its fearsome military stands at no threat to any other. It may, however, become divided from within.

The last point should explain clearly enough why I have decided to resign since I am in no mood to reflect on the ambiguities present in our current workplace policy regarding sexual harassment. Any attempts to contact me about my severance package should be mailed in a manila envelope with the words Rotary Club written on top and sent to my mother’s address below:

Rita Morrow

1630 Golden Oak St.

San Francisco, CA 94016

Tell Jolene I love her.

Respectfully,

Jerry Morrow

NOTE: This is satire. Don’t sue me, McDonald’s.